Mommy Wars

You Know You’re Trying To Conceive When…

AlphaParent

December 28, 2015

2923

When everyone in the house knows what the plastic cups are for.
When you repeatedly look at your chart during the day, as if the temps may magically change.
When you can’t sleep at night because you know tomorrow’s temp is the MOST IMPORTANT temperature you’ll take all cycle.
When you check your cervical position and cervical mucus as often as you check your email.
When all you want in the world is to gain an extra 30Ibs and feel uncomfortable, tired, emotional and sick for a whole 9 months.
When you talk using mysterious acronyms that only your TTC buddies understand: TTC, BD, EWCM, BBT, OPK, 2WW (HINT: click here to view their meanings).
When you buy 30 HPTs on eBay for three pounds because it’s a good deal, and hey, you can test every day!
When your OPK comes up +, you cancel all social engagements so you can BD and lie with your legs elevated and bum up in the air afterwards.
When you drink illegal doses of cough syrup a few hours before sex because maybe it will help your cervical fluids out.
When you’ve promised yourself that “this month you aren’t going to stress about it or think about it” but you know that is completely impossible to achieve even as you’re saying it.
When you’ve read every last article on Google as to why you might not be pregnant, and have a possible treatment plan to present to your doctor in addition to your charts and graphs.
When the only muscle you stir first thing in the morning is your arm muscle, to reach for the basal thermometer so you can test your temperature.
When the big ‘O’ refers to ovulation rather than orgasm.
When every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps implantation.
When your OH tells you that you ‘look pregnant’ and you’re ecstatic rather than offended.
When the checkout lady looks at you funny as you check out with tampons and HPTs at the same time.
When you find ways to secretly touch your breasts in public to see if they’re sore.
When your breasts ARE sore but not because of your hormones but because you have been squishing them like play dough.
When you touch your breasts more than your OH does.
When for the first time in your life, you take the plunge into the unknown to feel your CP…an area where only your gyno has gone before!
When your morning motto is: “Don’t talk to me until I’ve taken my temp”.
When you take your temp more than once a day.
When you refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your house, because you can’t stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you’ll be needing.
When you spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility supplements than you do on clothes.
When the thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat.
When you gravitate towards the HPT, OPK isle in every store.
When you try to find OPK’s in every single store in hopes it you’ll find them cheaper than where you’ve been buying them.
When you suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) – defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It’s a very common condition among POASers during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it.
When you refer to sex as BDing and only do it in positions that are gravity-friendly.
When you stare at your nipples, scrutinising if they are darker/bigger/bumpier/harder than usual! (and really, they’re just the same as they always were…)
When every time you need a wee you wonder if it’s worth POAS and which kind to use?
When you start testing the ph level of your Pre-Seed, just to make sure it’s still in the right zone for sperm protection.
When your first thought when a friend tells you they feel sick is “That b**** better not be pregnant”.
When your http:// window autocompletes fertilityfriend as soon as you type “www”.
When you pee in the toilet, and just pee… it feels wrong that you’re not peeing IN or ON something.
When you get up in the morning and pee without thinking. Then freak out when you realized you forgot to get the stick! Nothing worse than wasting FMU.
When you’re watching a film and you shout out “Oooh she’s using a FRER!”
When you feed your husband vitamins to get better quality sperm.
When you dread the words “can’t we just cuddle tonight?”
When someone asks you what day it is today, you first think of what CD or DPO you are on.
When you start going to alternating shops to buy HPTs so the shop assistant doesn’t recognise you (like an alcoholic).
When the Tampax Pearl advert comes on and you want to STRANGLE mother nature.
When the right kind of CM brings you more joy than the Monsoon Sale.
When your eyesight starts to weaken quickly due to many hours staring at evaps.
When you pee on your hand from a POAS accident.
When you don’t mind telling complete strangers about the things that come from your vaginal area, and you’ll take pictures of it for them if they want.
When someone refers to eggs and you immediately think of your ovaries.
When peeing is the one of the most interesting things you do all day.
When you dream about POAS.
When you change disks in the car CD player, and look down at the display that reads that you’re listening to CD1 and think instantly think it’s referring to “cycle day 1”.
When you belong to online forums, blog groups, and chat rooms in which you know everyone’s cycle days as well as your own.
When you could teach a health class at the local school detailing a woman’s reproductive system and menstrual cycle.
When your best friend buys you the expensive OPK for your birthday.
When you know what these three words have to do with getting preggo: “high, soft, open”.
When you schedule your social events around your ovulation day.
When you put a heart on the calendar every time you DTD.
When your DH gets up from DTD, props your bum up, hands you a book, kisses your forehead and says “see you in half an hour”.
When you see a recipe calling for “egg whites” and think of CM.
When you have a backup to the backup basal thermometer in case the first 2 break.
When you look at your most recent photos that you took with your camera and instead of them being photos of people or trips, they are photos of HPTs, OPKs, and your cervix.
When you make sure you don’t pee after BDing… can’t waste the deposit.
When you POAHPT at 2 DPO just in case the OPK was wrong.
When you wake up at 4am, instead of being worried that you have to work in a few hours, you worry that you’ll mess up your BBT.
When you POAS even after you get your period, just in case it was IB.
When you check the toilet paper after every wipe looking for the pink/brown at 7dpo.
When you buy only plain white toilet paper because it will be easier to spot IB.
When you’re jealous that you 15 year old cousin got pregnant.
When you AND your husband both get a text message alerting you of your most fertile days!!
When you divide the month by “waiting to O and the 2WW.”
When you can pee in something the size of a thimble and not spill a drop.
When you run downstairs to let fertility friend know you just had sex as it can’t wait until morning.
When OH knows that an infertile cervix feels like the tip of your nose.
When you can take a temperature more accurately than NHS staff.
When you start to envy The Sims and their baby making abilities.
When you make sure that your BD schedule doesn’t coincide with match day; if it does you ensure to get it in before the match or you have no chance.
When you stop thinking of sex as “that fun thing that can get you pregnant if you aren’t careful” and start thinking of it as “that thing that makes babies that used to be fun.”
When you wear dark knickers for the first two weeks to see CM, and white ones for the 2nd half of the month to check for any pink/brown/red signs.
When you see license plates that have the initials CM on them and all you think of is cervical mucus.
When you read toilet paper like it is tea leaves telling you the future.
When nothing is TMI anymore, but you still give the warning just in case.
When you take sideways glances at the baby department but don’t look directly because you don’t want to jinx your chances.
When you grade your HPTs, you use up the crap ones first cause you’re saving the good stuff till last.
When you tell your husband “I’m leaking” and he asks what colour and consistency it is.
When you IM your husband to look at your test pics, because you want to show the internet before he has the chance.
When your OH walks down the stairs on a morning you make sure he is wearing loose underwear.
When you use this list as a checklist.
When everyone but you thinks the April Fool’s pregnancy prank is funny. For the record – it isn’t…it really, really isn’t.
When you clean out the very top shelf of the bathroom cabinet and throw away no less than five (okay maybe more like seven) empty HPT and OPK boxes.
When you’ve had some of the best conversations with your husband and/or your twitter buddies while holding your legs in the air for 30 minutes.
When you get a urinary tract infection from holding your pee for hours to make sure it is concentrated enough for POAS.
When you’re constantly calculating your EDD based on the date of O, and you don’t need a calendar.
When you don’t drink after 9am because you want concentrated pee for a 2pm OPK.
When you are angry with DH and make up with him just in time for BDing…where any other time you’d be holding a grudge for days.
When your work colleagues know it’s your 2WW because you won’t work out with them.
When your friends know it’s your 2WW because you won’t drink with them.
When you literally kick your mother out of your house to BD. . .and couldn’t care less that she definitely knows why she has to leave.
When AF arrives but you imagine that you’re only spotting.
When you gained weight from lack of exercise due to a fear of it interfering with implantation.
When you don’t have a baby BUT you DO have FANTASTIC hair and nails from all the pre-natal vitamins you’ve been taking for months.
When you notice in the news that a company called “BD Pharmaceuticals” is moving to your area… and you chuckle.
When you already have nursery themes picked out for both sexes.
When you have a mini shrine in your bedroom to your BBT thermometer, a chart, Pree-Seed, the book TCOYF (Taking Charge of Your Fertility: which you read like scriptures before bed), extra “Conceive” lube, a sex pillow, Prenatal vitamins, and Instead Cups…all within reach.
When you find maternity clothes more appealing than your own clothes.
When someone asks you when you’re gonna have a baby, you want to rip off your own leg just so you have something to hit them with.
When you start seeing your man as more of a sperm dispenser than loved one.
When your 3-year old knows not to touch the “mommy sticks” on the counter yet continues to stare at them like they will perform magic tricks…hmmm…wonder where she gets THAT from?
When you know where all the best light is in order to get a good clear unmistakable view of the pregnancy test strip.
When you have a variety of words to represent the “F” in BFN.
When your DH, who is not as young as he used to be, needs a day off work to recover from a week of BDing.
When you hear a baby name you like while out somewhere so you whip out a pen and notebook to jot it down.
When you cannot wait to get up in the morning to take your temperature and once you do, you can’t go back to sleep because you are analyzing your patterns on FF.
When you’re convinced pregnant ladies are stalking you because they are lurking around every corner giving you the stink eye.
When you are envious of people in the 2WW.
When you’ve planned how you are going to tell every single person you know that you are pregnant.
When you hesitate before buying new clothes because you think, “What if I am pg soon?!”
When you’re using an OPK packet as a bookmark.
When you go on holiday and your TTC paraphernalia takes up more space in your suitcase than your makeup, toiletries and shoes combined.
When you bolt off to the loo when you have an inkling that some CM may have made an appearance for inspection and analysis.
When you know what this item is. And no, it’s not a lipstick, or a vibrator.
When you feel this is the month, every month.
When you suspect DH is taking care of himself and you get annoyed at the wastage.
When your dog gets pregnant and you have a tantrum about her ability to get knocked up when you can’t.
When you check the online gender predictor each month, to see what it might be.
When you navigate around your vagina like Indiana Jones searching for CM and CP.
When shower shags are a thing of the past.
When you want to draw a coverline over stock market graphs on the financial page of The Times.