Friday, 2 September 2011

183 Signs That You're Pregnant


After the success of "You Know You're Trying to Conceive When..." Here is the next instalment in nature's saga.

You Know You're Pregnant When...
  1. You can smell the neighbours’ five houses down the street cooking Sunday roast.
  2. Every commercial on TV either makes you sad or hungry.
  3. You wear out the carpet in the path to the bathroom.
  4. Your vocabulary is lessened by at least 1,000 words.
  5. You hold your boobs in the shower because the streams of water feel like you're getting them pierced.
  6. You give up booze, coffee, pills, basically anything you saw on “Absolutely Fabulous,” for nine whole months. And let’s face it: booze is what got you preggers in the first place!
  7. Aunt Flow stops visiting.
  8. You learn Braxton-Hicks isn’t a law firm.
  9. You know exactly where all the restrooms are at the local shopping centre.
  10. You have the appetite of a truck driver.
  11. You used to laugh at your granny for having a wardrobe full of clothes with elasticated waistbands. Who’s laughing now?
  12. You have the continence of a granny.
  13. You make a “don’t forget” list but then forget where you put the list.
  14. You can burp louder than your husband.
  15. Tena Lady suddenly becomes appealing.
  16. You feel like you are going through menopause as you get a huge hot flash and turn on the A/C just to turn around and start shivering because you are cold.
  17. You step on public transport and everyone avoids eye contact.
  18. Your belly arrives before you do.
  19. Your toes and fingers look like sausages.
  20. You develop man feet.
  21. You need a running start to get out off the sofa.
  22. You can't see your feet let alone the shoes you need to tie.
  23. You can't see anything else down south either, you just have to trust that it is still there.
  24. You feel like Sigourney Weaver from "The Alien" when your belly moves on its own.
  25. You didn't realize somebody else's hiccups could be so entertaining/annoying/painful.
  26. You can't wait to start getting "the bump", then when you get it you can't wait to get back your pre-pregnant tummy.
  27. You suddenly realize that for every good smell in the world there are about ten horrible ones.
  28. You spend hours getting ready for a super fancy night, then crop all the resulting photos off mid-belly.
  29. You spend hours wondering why there is no hot water only to realise you have been running the cold water tap.
  30. You visit the health centre more often than you visit your mum.
  31. You excitedly tell everyone you just pooped cause you've been constipated for days.
  32. You consider sleeping on the toilet because you spend most of your night there.
  33. You yell at your husband because he ordered chips and jumbo sausage when you wanted chips and cod and he asks you then why did you say that you wanted jumbo sausage in the car? and you respond with that was 10 minutes ago, not now!
  34. You look all over the house for your car keys and they are in your hand.
  35. People ask how old you are, and you respond with X amount of weeks.
  36. You move like a 90 year old penguin.
  37. You don't have to pee until you are in bed and comfortable.
  38. Dry cold toast becomes your favourite meal.
  39. You're starving to death, to death, to freakin DEATH, and spend an hour and a half driving around and going through the grocery store and wind up with one pack of lunchables because the thought of EVERYTHING makes you sick to your stomach.
  40. Sleeping on your back makes you feel guilty.
  41. Leaning forward on the toilet at the end of a pee gets extra pee out.
  42. You make a cup of tea and then find out when you go to drink it that you really should've boiled the kettle first.
  43. Your sheets and pyjamas are stained with the coconut oil.
  44. Your "innie" becomes an "outie".
  45. You go to Wetherspoons for a baked potato and when they tell you that they just ran out, you cry erratically while your friends look scared and say they are just going to go wait out in the car.
  46. You eat an entire family bag of Doritos.... for breakfast.
  47. You lie in bed for a catnap at noon and wake up at 8 p.m. Oops! You missed dinner with your Aunt Betty.
  48. You find yourself reading online reviews of breastfeeding pillows at 3am.
  49. Summer is your enemy.
  50. You cry at McDonald's commercials because it's really emotional that you can't have an egg mcmuffin RIGHT THIS SECOND.
  51. Your Facebook page is littered with pregnancy applications describing your baby’s development and showing what size they would be if they were a fruit.
  52. Making scrapbooks and memory boxes suddenly feels like a good idea.
  53. Ebay doesn’t know what hit it.
  54. You cry at well just about anything; a happy couple, a good deed, someone being kicked off The Apprentice.
  55. Cankles. ’nuff said.
  56. Your bath towel no longer covers your belly - you’re scared you will have to resort to using the shower curtain.
  57. When you wake up at 3am for your first round of breakfast.
  58. You try to unlock the front door by pressing the unlock button on your car keys then shout at your husband because it’s not working.
  59. You whine because you’re so nauseous, but when you’re not sick you freak out.
  60. You change your underwear several times a day.
  61. You know the exact location of your uterus in relation to your belly button.
  62. You no longer own a bathroom scale.
  63. You have to take prenatal vitamins aka horse pills every morning.
  64. Missionary position is about as erotic as ‘cake farts’ (don’t google that).
  65. You suddenly find yourself fixating on sushi, espresso, margaritas, deli meat, and unpasteurized cheese.
  66. Of course you are going to breastfeed till your baby is at least 2; they will be weaned on only organic produce at exactly 6 months old and no they won’t be ever having a dummy.
  67. You start sleeping in on Saturdays like a teenager, knowing this will be the last time, until your kids are grown, this will ever happen.
  68. You begin to panic, realizing you've read tons of books and research on pregnancy, labour, and delivery, but absolutely none on parenting the child after it comes out of your womb.
  69. You start yelling at your dog/cat for stuff you used to think was cute.
  70. You forget to remove your shoes before your jeans, and then you forget to take your bra off before getting in the bath.
  71. You swear your house won’t be one of those that looks like a Gymboree exploded in it. Then you find a baby swing, complete with an obnoxious fish mobile and a moving, light-up, singing, flashing, glowing aquarium, and you fall in love with it. It now has prime position in your living room, detracting every bit of attention away from your understated, shabby chic decor.
  72. Pushing a poo out is terrifying.
  73. You’re tired. all the time and yet remarkably sleepless.
  74. Your life is no longer about living through each day, but counting down days to milestones / appointments. i.e....12 days till my scan.
  75. Your boyfriend runs off.
  76. You start getting ‘bump envy’ at women more pregnant than you (the only time you will ever envy another woman for being bigger).
  77. Did I mention tired?
  78. You notice your husband has put on about as much weight as you- and you envy him because you know it will take him no time to lose it.
  79. The word "baaaaaabe" spoken to your beloved has them roll their eyes and brace themself for whatever obscure request you are about to make, usually about food and usually just after he has gotten himself comfortably settled on the sofa.
  80. You’re too scared to do anything 'just in case it hurts the baby' and you use this as an excuse to try and get out of doing the housework.
  81. An important thought is interrupted by whatever food or drink sounds good at the moment, at every imaginable time of day - such as scrambled eggs.
  82. You are thinking about scrambled eggs now.
  83. Your farts scare even the dog.
  84. When you can't walk down the stairs without holding your boobs to stop the pain. Not a good look at work.
  85. You drop something on the floor and stare at it like “do I really need that?”
  86. You make your husband listen to your rumbling stomach as proof that even though you just ate 15 minutes ago..you are now hungry...and that justifies eating his food..cause it ain't your fault he's a slow eater.
  87. You are constantly finding crumbs in your boobs aka crumb catchers.
  88. Your once PERFECTLY poreless forehead looks like a Klingon has just erupted a new planet on it.
  89. You dry heave so violently that a loud fart escapes at the same time.
  90. You step into your "luke warm" bath with your shoes still on.
  91. You see a baby in person or on the TV and you can barely control your emotions and want to bust out crying because the thought of an actual baby is just so precious right now.
  92. You can't do the dishes without ending up with a giant wet spot on your stomach.
  93. You roll over and greet your husband good morning but 5 seconds later are diving for the toilet because his morning breath makes you puke.
  94. You break into a sweat walking to the post box.
  95. You find crumbs on your belly (how did they end up there when you have boob catchers).
  96. Your vagina feels like it is going to fall off every time you are on your feet for more than five minutes.
  97. You’d rather take the chance of someone nearby possibly hearing what could be a loud fart instead of having to deal with any gas pains.
  98. You are so excited for your new baby to get here that it’s all you can think about, but you get annoyed when someone asks you about it.
  99. You plan your next meal before you’ve finished eating the current one.
  100. Your day is RUINED when you order something at a restaurant and it isn't that good.
  101. You use foot spray under your ta-tas because they get so sweaty.
  102. You pee thinking you are done, and then you need to poo and a ton more pee comes out.
  103. You buy your first pair of Bridget Jones knickers and enjoy wearing them.
  104. Your areola are the size of saucers.
  105. The eye of hurricane Irene is outside your house but you still keep the windows open because you’re boiling hot.
  106. Friends and family have gotten used to knowing where “that” smell came from.
  107. You have to use the disabled toilet for logistical reasons.
  108. Your nightmares are so vivid that you are exhausted by the time you wake up.
  109. You have a mountain of pillows in the bed and your husband has a slither of mattress to sleep on.
  110. You know that he won't argue about the above if he values his life.
  111. You don't even wait for the stranger to finish their question: “When are you...”
  112. Your idea of a good night sleep is only getting up three times to pee.
  113. Picking your nose in the morning (I know you do it) results in blood loss.
  114. The highlight of your day is taking of your bra.
  115. You remember just how disgusting a cold really is because you aren’t allowed to use proper painkillers and decongestants to drug it into submission.
  116. You start taking Gaviscon before food as well as after.
  117. Your pelvic floor does a runner.
  118. The first thing you look for when you walk into a room is something to throw up in just in case.
  119. The only moaning sounds you make are no longer from vigorous sex but from getting off the sofa.
  120. In the middle of serious conversations you grin insanely like The Riddler because you can feel your baby moving.
  121. The only clothes that fit u are your husband’s.
  122. You eat two breakfasts each morning. The first when you wake up. The second after the first has ended up down the toilet.
  123. You are in a mood with someone all day because of something they said/did in the dream you had the night before.
  124. You look at Clarks shoes and find yourself thinking how comfy they must be, even though your granny has better taste.
  125. The image of smothering your poor husband with a pillow because he is snoring like a freight train is enticing. Then you turn into a weepy mess when after 45 minutes on the couch he doesn't realize you have left the bed.
  126. If you stand up too quickly your vision resembles a kaleidoscope.
  127. You actually panic if you start losing weight.
  128. You stare at mums and their babies, but only because you want to check out the pram.
  129. In the middle of the night one of your hands feels like it no longer belongs to you.
  130. Brushing your teeth is a deadly experiment.
  131. You get to practice breathing for labour by giving birth out your arse to whatever you ate a couple nights before.
  132. EVERY single pocket of EVERY item of clothing contains food debris.
  133. You have more chins than a Chinese telephone directory.
  134. You see the word desert and think of desserts!!! Yum.
  135. You've got tickets for Take That and all you can think is “I hope there's enough toilets”.
  136. A really bad day at work ends up with sobbing at Eastenders instead of a stiff drink.
  137. You look forward to going food shopping and linger in the freezer section because you’re so hot.
  138. Everyone turns and looks at you when the Commodore's song “Brick House” comes on the radio.
  139. You contemplate wearing adult nappies to bed because, frankly, you're sick of getting up four times every night to pee.
  140. You pray before, while, and after you eat.
  141. Finally the excuse “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” is legit.
  142. Your face looks as swollen as your arse feels.
  143. You casually leave a link to some porn on your husband’s laptop in the hope he won’t want to harass you tonight.
  144. Not eating and eating both make you nauseous.
  145. You beg your husband for a Stannah stair lift.
  146. Your flatulence could be considered biological warfare. Your husband is terrified to turn over in bed lest he disturb the covers.
  147. You’re sitting on the bed putting on your body butter and your husband asks you politely to move and your reply is to throw the body butter on the floor shouting “FINE I WON'T FUCKING PUT CREAM ON I'LL JUST GET STRETCH MARKS THEN!”
  148. You find inventive ways to pick something up dropped on the floor, including using salad tongs and tape on the bottom of your shoe.
  149. You turn down plans with your friends/ family as it will coincide with your afternoon nap.
  150. The closest your husband gets to your vagina is to shave it so it won't scare the midwife.
  151. Wiping is an event.
  152. Sneezing feels like being punched in the uterus.
  153. Coughing feels like being punched in the uterus.
  154. Having an orgasm feels like being punched in the uterus.
  155. You keep POAS because you don’t believe the first 10 tests you took, or the ultrasounds or the blood test.
  156. No one looks at your face anymore.
  157. You want sex all the time. You want to eat all the time and would be happy to eat a sandwich whilst having sex.
  158. You cruise every single baby development website just in case they have different info from the previous.
  159. You tear up watching a Johnson’s baby shampoo commercial. No more tears, my arse!
  160. You’re the permanent ‘designated driver’ on nights out.
  161. It takes at least 4 manoeuvres to roll over in bed...and 6 to get out of it.
  162. You are willing to read a 300 page book with nothing in it but baby names.
  163. You have to change your pants if you sneeze.
  164. Complete strangers approach you to ask when you’re due and proceed to tell you all about their awful birthing experience.
  165. You realize that there is NO SUCH THING as pregnancy glow - You may look like your glowing but really - that’s sweat, grease, nausea or gas.
  166. Puking becomes such a normal occurrence you don't even get embarrassed about doing it in public. In Morrisons: “Babe where's my plastic bag? Thanks. Bleechdhdjdkdjr...!!!”
  167. You find your toddler’s pretend food and put it away in the real fridge.
  168. You get into a nesting/cleaning fit and start noticing all of the weird things that you never clean (like the door bell chime).
  169. You don’t care how you look when you go somewhere cause dammit I'm dressed and that’s all you’re getting from me at this point.
  170. Your breasts have more veins than Madonna’s arms.
  171. You find yourself admiring your bump in shop windows, mirrors, cars, anything with a reflection.
  172. You know the meaning of fun new words like fundus.
  173. All your PJs are faded in colour from the amount of use.
  174. You start snoring before you're completely asleep.
  175. Croc flip flops become more fashionable by the day.
  176. All your shoes have shrunk.
  177. You wish death upon the clearly non-priority people sitting in priority seats on public transport.
  178. You throw your trash in the sink and your plate in the trash.
  179. You have a semi-erotic dream about Daniel Craig where he’s topless and you’re having a beach picnic and you’re more interested in his lunch than his lunchbox.
  180. The handicapped lady at work (on crutches) speeds ahead to get the door for you.
  181. You have to take a “breather” half-way up a flight of 7 steps.
  182. Your lady-garden resembles an extra from Night of the Triffids.
  183. You do the world’s biggest burp and smile cause it didn't contain sick.

Big thank you to all the forum preggos without whom this list would be a third of its size.

5 comments:

Candida said...

Love this! Lots of laughs.

Breastfed: A breastfeeding blog for the modern mama.

Alison said...

Hilariously funny!

Jeni Burns said...

I'm sitting in the lounge at school reading this, and people are looking at me funny because I'm in tears. This is hilarious!

Monica P said...

Absolutely love this. Yep it was hot as hell and my boobs were literally on fire. Everything seemed to scrape or irritate them, so at home I was virtually topless, my nipples turning darker each day from a pastel shade and then boobs growing extra sized - sometimes good feeling, while sometimes feeling nutty. Everything had to be moved backward to create space - felt as if I would hurt myself or my boobs would hit something while am crossing from one room to another. I wore paper cups over my nipples - sounds crazy, isn't it?

My car seat had to be moved back to accommodate me. My sense of smell was something like that of a sniffer dog - a daily scrub and change of curtains - fresh bedsheets - everything that I enjoyed earlier - smelled bad - my room was like a freezer!

My baby bump was center of much attention and hated doctors who felt the need to examine or grope my nipples if they were shaping well?

As for food, I could eat off a conveyer belt - sometimes felt ashamed at eating so much! Gobbling up gallons of ice-cream seemed ok. Asking to be served food at odd hours didn't matter either.

A daily assurance from my hubby wasn't enough that I still looked gorgeous - he was irritated while my interests changed to something I never did before - as in doing knitting and designing clothes for my baby.

But most of all I let myself be pampered through my pregnancy.

Alpha Parent said...

Monica, paper cups over your nipples doesn't sound like a bad idea! I always advise mums to insert the tops from baby bottles into their bra if their nips are sore.

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