Earlier this month, Mark Zuckerberg hoist his white boxers onto a pole and waved them in defeat. He, and his fratboy team at Facebook HQ, finally conceded that breastfeeding wasn’t sexual. Good. Glad we sorted that out lads.
Technology had, at last, given breastfeeding moms a high five. This was great timing, as I was about to launch a new breastfeeding cellphone app: an interactive version of The Timeline of a Breastfed Baby! A dynamic on-the-go breastfeeding resource for busy moms who needed accessible support at their fingertips. The dudes at Google swiftly approved the app for their Android market. Thanks guys. Next stop – Apple.
Now, Apple are notorious for being elitist pearl-clutching brand-guardians. Any company can create and submit an app to appear in their app store, but Apple has the ultimate say on which apps make it. The basics of the their vetting process boil down to a technical pre-application check of your binary, a review by an Apple employee along with revisions to the app if necessary, followed by acceptance or an appeal of a rejection, and the summons of a pound of flesh.
A lot of hoops to jump through, but, if I say so myself. I’m quite good at hoop jumping, so confidently, I submitted my app and waited. Apple’s response?
Apple need to ‘free the nipple’ already.
Snootypants Apple – makers of ipads, iphones and iattutude problems – didn’t like the app. Turns out, they just don’t like boobs being associated with kids. Presumably, these guys would only know a breast if it poked them in the eye at a strip joint. In their rejection email, they linked to their resolution center with the following spiel:
3.6: Apps with app icons and screenshots that do not adhere to the 4+ age rating will be rejected
We found that your app icons, screenshots, and/or Application Description includes content that is not appropriate for all age groups, as required by the App Store Review Guidelines.
They included the following screenshot…
Brace yourself, the offensiveness will put your retina into shock:
Consider my wrists slapped. Back to the drawing board.
In an attempt to discover what would pull the bothersome wedgie from Apple’s ass-crack I searched for other breastfeeding apps available via Apple. Here I noticed something piss-boilingly sad: most had a 12+ rating that warned of, and I quote, “Mild Sexual Content”. It appears, the boys at Apple don’t think anyone below the age of 12 can cope with viewing a nursing mother (yet strangely, I know plenty folk under the age of 1 that have no issue with it).
Well, Apple could swiffle on an ipod shuffle if they thought I was going to label my breastfeeding app as sexual. This would feed right into the warped perception of breasts as pornographic by default. So, instead, I chose the only other category that seemed remotely relevant: “Infrequent/Mild Medical/Treatment Information” which automatically lifted the age limit of my app to 12+. Hoop well and truly jumped, pole-vaulted and Zumba’d around.
I submitted my application again, and waited. And waited. And whatya’ know, this time Apple rejected the app again! They told me they were not happy that the images featured breastfeeding and that people would *OMFG* see them when they browsed the app store. So, let’s recap: breatsfeeding images would be permitted ONLY if their viewing was restricted to people over 12 years old, and ONLY if they were inside the app and not darkening the app store shelves like porno on the top shelf of a dodgy service station. After all, some poor DFF or male widower could clamp their eyes on the flesh of a young woman nursing her child, and throw a wobbler. Seems the boys at Apple don’t think anyone above the age of 12 can cope with inadvertently viewing breastfeeding, and such people should be protected from this obscenity (a view only adopted in Technology-Land; for those of you living IRL, the law does not recognise a need for protection from breastfeeding, just, you know, FYI).
Back to the proverbial drawing board again.
Finally, I replaced the main menu with a different background, not showing breastfeeding. And finally, Apple begrudgingly placed the app in their app store, where it is now free to offend anybody, as long as they have two dollars and have been on the planet no shorter than 12 rotations around the sun:
Would this offend you?
The App details:
- The (Entire) Timeline of a Breastfeed Baby, PLUS:
- Stunning pro-breastfeeding images on every page.
- Notifications: I can send news, messages, and links directly to your phone. It’s like having your very own pocket Alpha Parent harassing you.
- The app is designed to work on cellphones and ipads. The blog is not. Thus the app is smoother and more effective to navigate.
- Has a direct one-click connection to The Alpha Parent facebook page, for all your bitching needs.
- Updated in line with the latest lactation research.
- Works on every device there is. So for Apple, it works on the iphone 3, 4, 5 and all ipads.
- Functions globally.
- Rock bottom cost to you: $0.99 in Apple or $1.00 in Google Play (I don’t believe in milking my Alpha mammas – that’s your babies’ domain!)
Not offended? Get your ass over here then!
Want this bad boy for yourself? Support the app!