We all know the primary goal of a baby shower is to accumulate as much free stuff as possible, and to eat copious amounts of cake. So I have scoured the dark corners of the internet for genuine commercial products that no self-respecting breeder can do without.
You’d be forgiven for thinking that these little cone numbers are dessert
holders or party hats for dwarfs. In fact they are a protective ‘cup’ marketed to rectify the age-old drama of baby boy’s projectile pee. Also aptly known as ‘tinkle toppers’, they are designed to be placed over your boy’s little fireman to absorb his spray during nappy changes. 100% cotton, they’re washable and reusable and come in packs of ten. One drawback however is that a particularly violent spray has been known to send these fellas flying.
My Pee Pee Bottle
Staying with the piss theme, this product is designed to protect children from
bacterial infections and to help reinforce good potty training habits. It acts as a little porta-potty for when you’re out and about. The instructions read: “Parent places the top of My Pee Pee Bottle very close to the vagina or penis, as close as possible without touching the child and ask the child to release.” Maybe I’m missing something but this really doesn’t seem more hygienic than a toilet. The website speaks of scary rotavirus bacterium inhabiting toilet seats and peados lurking in public restrooms. However do we really need a brand new colour-coded product and website for what is essentially a bottle to piss in?
This is a set of fake hands that lays against your newborn to trick her into thinking that it’s you. Darn, if only this was around before I chopped my hands off for my baby’s pillow. I’ve got to hand it to them. They know how to palm off a crap idea. It’s almost too creepy for words. And wrong. So very wrong. “Babies are used to the warm comfort and protection of their mother’s womb and the Zaky can help imitate that” chirps the manufacturer…. erm yeah, imitate the womb by using a pair of disembodied limbs? On the other hand (so to speak), it’s a good way to ensure your child becomes a serial killer that keeps hands as trophies. It’s also blatantly a prop from a Monty Python sketch and a SIDS risk.
The Baby Keeper
The Baby Keeper is a contraption that hangs your baby on the back of a public bathroom door so you are “free to go.” The picture says it all. Convenient? Perhaps. Sanitary? No way. Trusting a single hook will hold my baby safely over the hard bathroom floor? Not a chance in hell.
“Potty Mitts are a new approach to protecting your child from germs in public bathrooms because kids touch everything…Each mitt is decorated with playful bears so kids love to wear them!” These are basically paper oven gloves with faux care bears all over them. This OCD-inducing product protects your child’s hands from all the nasties lurking in public bogs. I prefer to teach my child good hygiene by WASHING THEIR HANDS, but perhaps I’m just oldskool.
NoseFrida Snot Sucker
Nosefrida is a BPA-Free nasal aspirator that is designed to remove mucus from your baby’s airways without damaging delicate mucous membranes. The baby’s mother (or some other unfortunate soul) places the rubber hose up the baby’s nose and then sucks on the other end (keeping track of which end is used for what). The resulting vacuum removes the snots, crusties, gunk and germs from the baby’s precious nasal cavity. I know what you’re thinking and fear not, there’s a filter (aka snot blocker) that keeps the snot and germs away from you.
Windi Baby Arse Catheter
From the makers of NoseFrida (the company that appears to specialise in the insertion of tubes into babies’ orifices), the Windi is a single-use catheter that is inserted in the rectum to relieve gas and reduce colic. Though it looks eerily like a tampon, it apparently does work. One Amazon reviewer wrote: “The Windi works pretty much like a thermometer and relief is quick, the air flies out, … be prepared for other “stuff” to come out as well!”
Baby High Heels
These tiny “Heelarious” baby heels (that’s the company name) are sized to fit infants up to 6 months old and are available in leopard and zebra prints, hot pink, baby pink and black. They are packaged in a purse shaped bag with a huge rhinestone clasp and retail for about £30. The marketing slogan is “her first high heels”. This product has caused spats over at UK newspapers: The Telegraph and The Daily Fail, as well as pissing off feminists at The F-Word blog. There’s something just a little bit off about the idea of a baby in stilettos. Perhaps it’s because the purpose of high heels is: “to give the optical illusion of a longer, slimmer leg, a smaller foot, and a greater overall height. They are also designed to alter the wearer’s posture and gait, flexing the calf muscles, and making the bust and buttocks more prominent” (Wikipedia). In defence of the product, the seller has commented that: “’If you think about it – some mums think it’s pretty to get their baby’s ears pierced and that can be painful”. Who am I to argue with that?
Phallic Baby Announcement Cards
Everyone knows that newborn boys have huge genitals due to hormones surges. Now proud parents can capitalise on this using specially designed announcement cards. Just insert finger and open. It’s a boy!
Placenta Teddy Bear
Honour the life-sustaining organ by turning it into a teddy bear. The Placenta Teddy Bear by Alex Green was one of the toy designs showcased at the ‘Doing it for the Kids’ exhibition, which aims to display the latest innovative and sustainable toy concepts. How can you get your hands on one of these bad boys? Well ‘simply’ give birth, cut your placenta in half, rub it with sea salt to cure it. When it dries out, treat it with tannin and egg yoke, an emulsifying mixture that makes it soft and pliable. Then, shape it into a teddy bear! Dragon’s Den would be proud.
Baby Nipple Tassels
This thing has “years of therapy” written all over it. No more needs to be said. It’s a baby vest with nipple tassels in sizes 0-6 months up to 3-4 years
Baby Butt Fan
It would appear that treating nappy rash with plain old air and a touch of Sudocrem is outdated. Good job we now have the Baby Butt Fan. The instructions are simple: “Use at every diaper change! Eliminate wetness – the number one cause of diaper rash. Foamed sponge fan blades are absolutely safe for touch…Anti-microbial fragrance(such as lavender) protects your baby from skin ailments and it also sooths your baby from any agony. Contains soothing essences of lavender, sweet smells to bring sweet dreams. It is very good for a peaceful transition from little dynamo to sleeping angel.” Much of the trauma I’ve suffered in my life was caused by a lack of a Baby Butt Fan.
Having children is great and all, but it makes you fat. However fear not, gadget company Pure Austrian Design has created a buggy that converts into a scooter. “The transformation to a scooter occurs through a simple pull of the lower body, thus extending the buggy,” the company wrote. “The scooter opens up new possibilities to the common use of a baby carriage, meant for people with affinity to fast moving means of transportation with the child.” If you ask me it’s an accident waiting to happen.
No shower is complete without cake, and no cake is complete without anatomical details, obviously. Check out the finishing touches. The mother has the face of a blow-up doll, is stark naked (is that a new trend in delivery rooms?), and is anatomically correct where you wouldn’t expect her to be. However maybe it’s just me but there’s something about marrying a vaginal birth and dessert that isn’t that appetizing.
Because breastfeeding tears your nipples off, you’ll need replacements. Also useful if you have to nurse sextuplets or if Dad wants to have a go. “Do not get them wet or your extra nipples could rust. They are not to be used for love making and you should always consult your doctor before using extra nipples.”
Fetus Cookie Cutter
At last, EVERYBODY can have “one in the oven” with the Fetus Cookie Cutter. Baking time…9 months? “When they’re done, your kitchen will be filled with the enchanting aroma of fresh baked fetuses”. Be sure to coat your cookies with pink icing. Maybe red licorice for an umbilical cord? Sugar crumbles for vernix? Okay I’m getting carried away now.
If you liked the cookie cutters then maybe the Gummy Fetus is right up your…uterus? Fancy chewing up a fetus? That’s probably why this product is doomed to fail. The Gummy Fetus is available at Stupid.com, and comes with a serious warning: “Enjoy our candy in safety and stay far far away from hospitals, real feti, and people with no sense of humor.” It’s true, life begins at confection.
Sigourney Weaver eat your heart out. The Peekaru is a kangaroo-like pouch for parents to carry baby around in. Looking at this, I just know I’d get my baby in there and he’d immediately take a crap and I’d have to undo it all and change him and by that time there’s no way I’d go for a walk so I’d just get fat sitting around on the couch and my husband would be all like “why do you waste money on this kind of thing?’ then I’d cry and eat more from the stress and get fatter.
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